I have this block and I cant seem to get rid of it and I feel like I cant continue until I shrug it off. I know it wont be easy and may become a bit time consuming but if it is what I need to do in order to move on then so be it. I feel like complaining about my day but I wont. That just not productive. Although somehow I feel that this, in lieu of working is,. You see, for me writing is a therapy, I consider to have immeasurable qualities to the state of my mind. Whether it be the well being state of my mind or the fucked up state of my mind I find a therapeutic quality in writing. Like what a runner does for his body writing does for my mind, and sometimes, my soul. It requires just enough thought to challenge me and keep me on my toes but not exceedingly exhaustive thought that will make me want to go insane.
Sometimes I feel like that can happen rather easily… going insane that is. My mind gets caught on these different ideas and as crazy as I know they are I cant shake them. I cant shake these ideas off of me. I have been rather stressed out with school work lately and felt I had no outlet
Three apple laptops sit on the far right corner. If I don’t want to be too obvious about it I can casually look over with a concerned look on my face as if to send out the impression that I am deep in thought, when in reality, I just cant concentrate and am curious as to what my counterparts are doing.
My friend and I made some astute observations. The fact that all three people, complete strangers, sitting next to each other on opposite sides of the room have apple laptops, and we both agree this would make a good commercial. I point out that they also are emblematic of new york in a cultural sense, one man is white, one woman is asian, and another man is black, she in addition points out that both sexes are represented and therefore constitute a good representation of the young populace that is new york.
Why isn’t my brain working today? Its worked just fine for the last 3 and a half years. Its been working extra hard for the past 2, but I’d have to say for this last month or so, it just has given up on me. Why are simple little tasks challenging to me now. Papers that I would at one time write in my sleep, are now the lack thereof. Classes and assignments that I once yearned for and at my disposal and I cant seem to make function of them or fit them into any routine I have going in my life. My current situation is so stressful im afraid that living on my own, will be the end of me. I cant handle bills, and I don’t even pay rent. I go hungry, when I have food in my fridge. I try eating healthy, but instead by wholesome snacks and skip meals entirely. Im running so much more, but feeling weak. I thought I was in excellent shape, but I deceived myself. I tricked myself into thinking that I could handle so much more than I actually could, and it disappoints me to know that there are others who are juggling everything I am and so much more, with ease and grace and worst of all efficiency. I can be graceful, I can make something challenging look easy, but efficiency, starting something at 100% and completing it at that level is hard for me. I can fake it..i can absolutely fake it, but then where is the challenge? There is no challenge in lying to yourself, there is no reward in lying to yourself. There is no outcome in lying to yourself, except in finding out, that you were so good, you deceived yourself in the process, and that is no good.
