Terminating

It's 10:49pm the night before my interview and I'm too excited to fall asleep.

I really hate when this happens.

I need to take a break from everything I'm doing and just let the typing do the talking. Even just the sound of my keyboard is so relaxing at this point. I had a stressful (academic) year and it looks like I'm doing it to myself again this summer. I'm applying for a fellowship but before I even get into that, I'll trace what I've done since September.

I began (and recently finished) my first year of graduate school this year. I'm going for my Master of Social Work. In addition to being an intern at a hospital, I was a graduate assistant to the Dean of my school and was taking 4 classes (a full-time load). Suffice it to say, there were never enough hours in the day to get things done, but somehow, in retrospect, it doesn't seem as bad. I always tend to anticipate the worst and hope (and work) for the best.

Two month into my internship my supervisor quit and I was essentially running four (4) hospital units by myself...(an intern, and a first year student at that). I called it a real experience when it was really just exploitation. Nonetheless, a learning experience and an unforgettable one at that. My field instructor there saw some potential in me and during the second semester assigned me to the Child & Adolescent Psychiatry Inpatient Unit. That's where I encountered the first long-term, therapeutic, and difficult relationship I've even had with a patient.

I started seeing this 9 year old boy, whom we will call Nick* for anonymity. Nick was the sweetest, kindest, smartest young boy you'd ever met. He was abandoned by his father and neglected by his mother. His grandmother refused to take care of him and the boy became suicidal. Because of his ideation's and the fact that he began threatening the other siblings in the household, he was brought into the inpatient unit.

Nick was truly a special case. Even the head nurse who fancied herself on working there "for over ten years", said she'd never seen anyone like him. Witty, sharp and conniving. I loved him! And that's just what he needed. Suffice it to say, he had abandonment issues, thus his behavior on the unit was attention-seeking. Every time I looked through his chart it would always say "Nick's* behavior continues to be attention-seeking". I'd ask myself, is there really a need for this? Can;t we comment on anything else but his attention-seeking behavior. I'm not a psychologist, nor even an employee at this point, so I say nothing.

For me to challenge the system within my short time here and with no clout would be futile.

My sessions with Nick always went well, until it came time to terminate. I walked onto the unit, three months after my work with him, six weeks after mentioning to him that I was leaving, thinking I had prepared my little buddy for my last day.

"Do you know what today is Nick"?

"It's April 30th," he said.

"Do you know what that means?", I asked.

"It means it's your last day.", he sullenly replied.

He immediately went on a tirade about how hungry he was and focused so much on this theme of deprvation. He stood up and began yelling, loud enough for the entire unit to hear him as he cried,

"the staff here is starving me! They are starving me to death! The staff here is starving me to death".

I immediately made the connection, and then forgot about it. When consulting with the psychiatric social worker on the unit, she explained to me that this was his metaphor. I pretended not to know, but I knew. It was certainly a learning experience nonetheless.


I got so into my story I forgot about the fellowship I was so nervous about. I guess this helped. I can go to sleep now. Wish me luck.

Good night
*m

my days in child & adolescent psychiatry

dear blog,

i feel like i have forgotten all about you. ive been so busy at work, school, after-school and with life that ive neglected the one thing that keeps me sane - writing!

i have so much to tell you but i dont even know where to start! work at the hospital is amazing. ive been doing so well in my unit. i was afraid that after my supervisor quit, id be lost but quite the contrary- i am found! i realized that any test ive been put through i could pass. no challenge was unmet or neglected. each obstacle was conquered and diminished. and now, my new challenge:
child and adolescent psychiatry.

i started seeing a new patient this week. a very sweet young boy who was neglected by his parents and will seemingly be diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. its so difficult for me to imagine that he has ever done anything wrong. anytime ive walked onto the unit he has greeted me with a smile. he seems to respect his elders, and articulates himself whenever he feels the need. i thought he got along with his peers well, but because he is the youngest he does get picked on and thus, rebels against the entire group.

my diagnosis is that this is a child who feels unloved, is misunderstood and homesick. i suppose its easy for me to say these things as a first year msw student, with no prior experience, knowledge or expertise on the matter. i haven;t even read a full page in the dsm-iv.

there is a small place in my heart for this child and unfortunately i will have to leave him too once this internship is over. just another person to leave him, in his sad life.

The Dream

He walked over to his father. A tall, handsome man wearing a sophisticated suit, and, he was smiling. He walked over to him and as he got closer his father could see that he was holding two bags in either of his hands.

He continued walking and gave his father a smile. A kind gesture perhaps to go along with the gift he had brought him. He had gone fishing, and in each hand he held a net and in each net he had a fish.

As he got closer to his father he extended both arms out to him as if to offer both of the bags of fish to his loving father. A man he had not seen in years. His father smiled back at him and said

"I am taking only one for now; I will take the other one a little later."

And with that, he woke up.

On Pink Martini ...

Quite possibly one of the best bands of all time. This is no exaggeration. Their beautiful melodic blend of vocals, lyrics and romantic beats can make anyone fall in love with this ecclectic and eccentric band. No matter which genre suits you best, they'll have a song to your liking, I can almost guarantee it.
My favorite part about them is the polyglot nature of their music. From French, Spanish, Italian, English, and even Japanese they'll have you singing in another language in no time!
China Forbes, the vocalist of the group has a voice that no words could justly describe. Heavenly? Melodic? Transcendental perhaps. Had Plato heard her sing he would have attributed to her her very own Form. Chinaness.
Yes, it's that good.

25% done with grad school

So my first semester of graduate school has come and gone... and what have I learned?
I am terrified of speaking in public for fear of sounding like a complete fool.
I initially thought I was much smarter than I actually am.
I know nothing.
I need to learn something in order to "master" this topic.

Now, I don't mean to sound like a pessimist. I've had a wonderful first semester, although there were times where I wanted to cry at my assignments instead of actually doing them. I also learned that where I once thought I was so certain I would follow a particular career path, I am now considering other options that are seemingly disparate, yet quite connected to what I'd like to do.

I have some time off before entering my next semester which should be grand. Three out of my four professors have a reputation for being demanding, tough-graders who distribute exhaustive assignments. Fun!

The point though, is to learn, lest we forget. I just don't seem to like what I am learning about myself (see above) and need to do something about that. A part of me almost wishes I had waited before beginning graduate school. Life experience brings something into the classroom that no amount of hours at Starbucks or Barnes & Noble ever could. An imagination is a wonderful tool, but knowledge (in my humble opinion) is best learned through practice.

So, while I enjoy my few days of respite before the claws of my second semester reach my fragile frame, I'll be anticipating the second half of my first year of graduate school.